How not to Become a Pancake
by Aurrawings
Summary: Rules and adventures with the bots as well as the cons; hopefully these will keep you from ending up a stain on the floor or a hanging on the mantle! Suggestions welcome!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everybody! This is also something that's been bugging me for while, and I need to make myself laugh sometimes, so yeah. Here are some basic guidelines/rules from my avatar Aurra's POV, hope you find it amusing! (mostly Prime-verse)**

…

**#1 Don't introduce Bee to Star Wars.**

(not only does he find it fascinating…)

(He has to name through the radio every single one of the species that actually exist)

(I had no idea there were so many…)

(oh…and one other thing)

(apparently R2-D2 is speaking Cybertronian)

(backwards)

**#2 The 'Ballad of Optimus Prime' song is banned.**

(Hey! How was I supposed to know!?)

(I was minding my own business, calmly on Youtube, when I suddenly found this song)

(Little did I know that my headphones weren't working right…)

(and the volume was all the way up…)

(right as Optimus walked in)

(I looked up to see the stoic leader of the Autobots, and noticed his right optic was twitching slightly)

(then he locked up and wouldn't move or respond to anyone)

(Of course I was scared and called Ratchet!)

"Aurra! What did you do?!"

(I was panicking, and then Ratchet heard the song still blaring from my laptop.)

(his hand collided with his helm and he shook his head)

"Primus…you've made him glitch…"

(Apparently for the first time in millions of years…)

**#3 Mocking Ratchet's 'line' is looked down upon by said medic.**

(Of course I was gonna mock it!)

(I mean come on, you "need" every fragging tool in your lab?)

(psssht.)

(so, the next time Miko took my laptop, I wailed)

(In a perfect imitation of the Doc bot I might add)

("Miko! I NEEDED that!)

(this ensued until I think Ratchet was about to glitch himself…)

(the mocking ended, for now, because the Hatchet got his revenge)

(I woke up tied to the ceiling with stasis lines)

**#4 Wheeljack's explosives belong to Wheeljack.**

(Okay, this one was NOT my fault.)

(Miko thought it was a bright idea to lift one of Jackie's smaller explosives)

(smaller does not mean tiny explosion.)

(In messing with it, she accidently activated it)

(Screaming and running, she threw it at my feet, where I only had two seconds to run like hell)

(the next thing I knew, I was in the med-bay)

(Miko smiled and showed me a picture of the Aurra-shaped dent in the wall)

**#5 I cannot drive, simple as that.**

(Sorry Bee!)

(He asked if I wanted to drive, and I was like hecks yeah I do!)

(Well…)

(I was there to help pull him out of the cactus garden)

(and then it was my job to pull all the spines from his tires and joints)

…

**I realize it is short, just wanted to get this out there. Suggestions are more than welcome and WILL make it into the story. Plz let me know what you think and what you'd like to see!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Okay, 'nother chapter, this one is dealing with some 'cons! Hope you laugh and thanks much to Alex Maria Johnson for being my first review!**

…**..**

**#6 Starscream likes parodies….**

(I…I just… wow…)

(I was listening to I'm sexy and know it after the cons kidnapped me for the umpteenth time)

(I mean…it's boring on the Nemesis, okay!?)

(Little did I know that Starscream had something planned…)

(Later, the doors to the bridge slammed open and all the Eradicons, including me, whipped around to stare at him as he strutted in.)

(Then he started singing. *facepalm*)

"When I walk through the bridge

This is what I see,

Steve the Eradicon is a lookin' at me.

I got a scraplet in my hand and I ain't afraid to throw it, throw it….

I'M STARSCREAM AND I KNOW IT!

**#7 Soundwave is not Slenderman.**

(okay, this is true, but think of all the comparisons!)

(No face? Check.)

(Doesn't speak? Check.)

(Dark colors? Check.)

(Tentacles? Check)

(and most of all,)

(the ability to appear out of nowhere, RIGHT BEHIND YOU, right when you get that feeling you aren't alone…)

**#8 Soundwave is a troll.**

(I was bored, again, and was looking to prank Doc Knock)

(heck, it's more fun than you could believe,)

(that is, if he doesn't hunt you down and insist on 'surgery' to remove one of your non-vital organs…)

(Surprisingly, Soundwave was the one to help me in my pranking endeavor)

(together, we rigged the med-bay door to play 'Sexyback' every time Knockout walked in)

(and only Knockout)

(Sounders knew a way to connect the song to only Doc Knock's energy signature.)

(Knockout thought it was funny the first dozen times, then he was hunting me down with his buzzsaw and medical scanner…)

**#9 Comm system is OFF LIMITS**

(Another, "when bored do not…")

(My 'genius' mind came up with the idea to rig the comm system to play a song incessantly)

(More specifically, the troll song)

(I found a ten hour loop of the song on Youtube and uploaded it to the comm system)

(that is, after I got the Eradicons out of the room by telling them Starscream was in the wash racks with the door unlocked)

(After uploading, I put in a totally random string of letters and numbers for a password lock on the setting, then let it rip)

(Soon the troll song was blaring throughout the halls of the nemesis.)

(I was seeing how long everyone could make it on the ten hour loop, evidently not long)

(Megatron himself came storming to find me, saying what a "mockery" it was)

(I didn't hide fast enough and soon he had me caught in his grip and not-to-gently threw me into the comm room)

"Fix this, fleshling!"

(Yeah, I would if I could!)

(Turns out Soundwave cracked the password in a matter of seconds and permanently deleted the file)

(Killjoys! All of you!)

**#10 Again, Soundwave is not the slenderman.**

(After all of the comparisons I made, I just HAD to start calling him 'Slendermech')

(I even got some of the Eradicons to do it too!)

(bad idea)

(Next time I fell asleep, I woke up in a random dark woods with said Eradicons lying dead around me, and a note was typed out neatly on the ground in front of my face with a flashlight lying next to it)

_Find all 8 notes and escape…_

(Shit)

(Terror ensued with me sprinting through the woods and snatching the pieces of paper I found on trees)

(I'd played Slender before, but this was NOT COOL BRO)

(That asshole had to make it worse too)

(Occasionally, after I'd found the second note, I swear I'd see just a glimpse of one of his tentacles, and I'd also hear that sharp blare of sound sometimes, the one in the game that comes up when Slenderman is seen)

(I snatched the fifth note from a rock and turned when something wrapped around my foot and hauled me into the air)

(Earsplitting scream and heart attack to say the least…)

(Soundwave had me dangling in front of his face, and then projected something onto the mask that made me cross my arms and huff, even upside down)

_5 of 8 notes collected, Try again Y/N?_

…**..**

**So, how was this one? Personally, I like this better than the first! Please give me suggestions and reviews make me feel special!**


	3. Chapter 3

**More do's and don'ts! (mostly don'ts XD) Some of these are inspired by similar fics but nothing to plagiarize, most are all mine XD. Please review and I'm open to suggestions/requests to make this better. Oh, and the number of rules a chapter will prolly vary.**

…

**#11 Playing with fire is to be restricted**

(Turns out my pyromania is unnerving to bots and 'cons alike…)

(apparently, energon is highly flammable)

(and explosive…)

(I regret NOTHING, Frenzy, NOTHING!)

**#12 Marco Polo isn't fun with Soundwave, or any of the bots for that matter**

(For one, Soundwave doesn't say 'Marco' or 'Polo')

(Second, I don't think the bots understand the concept of the game)

(Besides, they're all so loud when they move I can run away or find them WAY too easily)

**#13 Do not tempt Rumble or Frenzy**

(Espescially with their height difference to the rest of the Cybertronians)

(I called them 'vertically challenged' ONCE)

(I ended up with a couple cassette bullets in my ass and a trip to see Knockout)

**#14 Megatron doesn't like surprise parties, or surprises…or parties**

(Hey, I was being a nice, neutral person and thought it would be nice to throw a birthday party for Megzy)

(I had found out from Ratchet awhile ago when it was)

(Well…on one of my jaunts stuck on the Nemesis, I rounded up some Eradicons and hung some streamers and ballons in Megatron's quarters while he was out beating on Starscream or something of the sort)

(Heck, Knockout and Breakdown came to help too, and I got Dreadwing convinced to get Megatron to go to his quarters)

(We all shut off the lights and waited for him to come in, like a typical party)

(When the door slid open, one of the Eradicons flipped on the light and we all shouted 'Surprise!')

(that's where things went badly)

(Turns out Megatron doesn't get surprised all that often, and when he does, his cannon comes out)

(quickly)

(I was standing bug-eyed at the mess of his quarters, surprisingly unhurt, but with a crater the size of old buckethead himself in the floor right in front of me)

(The Vehicon standing behind me, P3T3r, was missing his arm though…)

**#15 Being a neutral has its downfalls…**

(Found this out the hard way)

(Even though if given the choice I would side with the Autobots, I am friend to all!)

(Although…I must be careful with my apparel)

(I came to the Autobot base wearing an Autobot T-shirt…and a Decepticon insignia necklace)

(The bots flipped out when they saw the symbol)

(I had to swear up and down that I wasn't a Decepticon, and Ratchet still eyed me all day)

(Damn Hasbro.)

…

**Yeah, this one was a bit shorter, but oh well. Still open for comments! And what do you think, is this any good? Torture to your eyes? Please let me know!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm on a ROLL! It prolly won't last tho. Due credit will be given for suggestions and requests, and thanks to all people kind enough to review!**

…

**#16 Do NOT lick a cold Autobot**

(It was a dare from Miko… if that's any indication)

(and yes, normally in Jasper it's devil's piss hot, but we had taken a sort of field trip to Montana.)

(In the dead of winter)

(Needless to say, Miko and I were bored when she leaned over and dared me;)

"Hey, Aurra…Dare you to stick your tongue to Bulk…

(Hey, I was naïve, I'd never heard that your tongue WILL STICK to a cold metal surface)

(Autobots included)

(I snuck up behind Bulkhead when he was in vehicle form, stuck out my tongue aaannnd…)

(my tongue was promptly frozen to the side of Bulkhead's door panel)

(He weirded out and almost transformed when Miko came running up waving her hands and laughing)

(I was waving my hands too, trying to tell him 'Don't!', but it sounded more like "Nyon't!)

(After the rest of the bots had their laugh at me, Jack finally freed me from my predicament with some warm water)

(Never again Miko!)

**#17 (Credit to tranformers freak22) Don't Rickroll the cons…**

(On suggestion from one of my few friends, I set up a rickroll for all the higher ranked cons)

(While they were all in a meeting, I had rigged the screen overhead, the giant wall one, to play the PERFECT video)

(I walked in with the master remote in hand, clearing my throat loudly)

(about a dozen pairs of crimson optics turned on me, glaring, and I pointed up at the screen before pushing the 'start' button on the remote with a flourish)

(the video DECEP*TICONS appeared up on the screen with the Japanese music blaring)

(About a thirty seconds later, I had successfully made every mech in the room glitch)

(Including Megatron and Soundwave, I was impressed)

(So was Knockout, when he finally showed up)

(Bad thing…)

(I had to personally unlock every single bot from stasis...aannd…)

(I also had to scrub the sharpie drawings from their armor as well)

**#18 I cannot fly**

(I SWEAR I just didn't believe hard enough)

(Then again…Leaping from the deck of the Nemesis while it was two miles in the air _probably_ wasn't a good idea in hindsight.)

(Poor ST3V3 was the one assigned to guard me at this time, and he thought I just wanted to look at the view over the edge.)

(It was then I proclaimed,)

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!"

(and tipped over the edge spread-eagle)

(Problem: I didn't fly. Problem #2, Steve is a Vehicon, he cannot fly either)

(thankfully, I ended up in Starscream's cockpit)

(but not before he waited two seconds before I was gonna hit the ground)

(stupid slagger…I thought I was gonna die)

**#19 Do not pretend your car is a Decepticon in disguise or vice versa**

(The bots now refuse to let me drive their alt forms, so the government so kindly supplied a piece of crap Grand Am for me to wre- I mean, drive)

(I introduced it to the Bots as: Mortimer W. Clankity-britches, insisting it was a Decepticon spy and not to upset him because he was a master of surprise)

(I introduced the cons to the same car, calling it Thunderbucket and saying sternly not to mess with him for the same reason)

(…)

(the next time I went to get out Mortimer W. Clankity-britches/Thunderbucket, I couldn't find him)

(Went outside… saw a whole eight hundred bucks go up in flames)

(The cons and bots both had lined up firing squad style and each taken a shot at the poor car while I stood with my mouth hanging open)

(There was nothing left of Mortimer/Thunderbucket…)

**#20 The game 'punchies' is banned.**

(Bulkhead and Bee were arguing about something, so I suggested they do the adult thing to settle it)

(play a round of punchies!)

(Again Bee, I'm so sorry!)

(Bee went first, leaving an impressive dent in Bulkhead's shoulder and making a loud 'CLANG' when his fist hit)

(then it was Bulkhead's turn.)

(His blow sent the poor scout backwards, fortunately, into Ratchet's lab)

(where he promptly crashed into the Doc's terminal and shorted it out)

(Bumblebeee! I NEEDED THAT!)

(Bee waved his arms and pointed down at me)

(Snitches get stitches, Bee…)

(I sheepishly waved from the floor before hauling ass down one of the hallways and hiding as far back in the piping as I could)

(Curse the regular show…)

…**.**

**So, good, bad… rainbow-ilicious? Are these notes just a waste of time? Anywho…please drop me a review and your requests, should you have any. :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okaay! Thanks to everyone for the reviews. Onward! (To Narnia!) If anything is OOC too much plz let me know…**

…

**#21 (credit to roxie2120) Megatron DOES NOT want to know where babies come from**

(It was an innocent mistake…)

(After I'd had the Cybertronian 'birds and the bees' talk with Ratchet and Knockout)

(I am scarred for life by the way, guys…)

(I was making the argument of how complicated the whole process for them is)

(Megatron chose this moment to walk in and was listening to our conversation)

(Knockout huffed and asked exactly how do _we_ reproduce…)

(bad idea KO)

(I gave them a pretty in-depth run down of the 'process' and while both medics seemed interested, when I was done with my speech Megatron was staring at me in disgust.)

"For the love of Primus, that is _repulsive!_"

(Megzy took this opportunity to stuff me in a hazmat suit and throw me in the brig until his disgust left)

(I was in there for THREE FRAGGING DAYS)

(THREE DAYS Megatron!)

**#22 (credit to transformers freak22) Ratchet does weird crap on synth-en**

(So…everyone's favorite CMO had the bright idea to test his new synthesized energon on himself)

(again)

(It had pretty much the same result as the last time, but the new Ratchet would do almost anything you asked him, so…)

"Hey Ratch, dance off in the main hangar?" I dared him.

"You are SO on!"

(never thought I'd hear it from the doc bot)

(I put on the song 'Pump it' by the Black eyed peas and went first, but my jaw, and everyone elses, dropped when Ratch took his turn)

(DA FUDGE?!)

(I think he had memorized every single dance move from Step up and was now doing it in perfect precision)

(Optimus was just kind of staring at him, but I saw Bulkhead gaping and Bee even rubbed his optics like he thought it was a dream)

(So, officially, Ratchet is the dance king and I have more blackmail)

**#23 Skittles are for eating (credit to same as above)**

(I was eating some of my squirreled away junk food)

(namely, a king size pack of Skittles)

(While wandering around the Autobot base, I about smacked straight into Arcee coming around a corner)

"Aurra…what are you doing?"

(I gave a creepy grin, and started to turn back the way I'd came)

(then I suddenly spun on my heel and hurled the handful of Skittles I'd had right at her screaming,)

"TASTE THE FREAKING RAINBOW!"

(I then ran giggling to random hiding places and eventually Skittle-attacked every bot in the base, even Optimus)

(The next day, my stash of candy had mysteriously disappeared…)

**#24 Pranks on Knockout are not tolerated by said medic**

(I got him the time Soundwave and I rigged the med-bay to play Sexyback, but this time I was going for something better)

(While he was recharging in his alt mode, like a ninja I crept into his room and opened the door before putting my evil plan to fruition)

(After taking the lid off, I dumped a giant bucket of glitter all over the interior of his alt mode before creeping out)

(And now we wait…)

(A few hours later I heard an enraged shout from his quarters and ran in to see what happened)

(Apparently, when the good doctor transformed, there was a sort of glitter explosion and all the stuff from his interior was now making him sparkle like a Cullen in the sun)

"YOU! You stinking skinjob, get back here so I can squish you!"

(by now I was long gone, but I knew Doc Knock was going to sparkle for AGES)

(I call glitter 'herpes' because it spreads to everything and it's impossible to get rid of…)

**#25 Messing with KO's paint means you have a death wish**

(After the glitter incident, I just HAD to mess with him again!)

(and I was right, Knockout to this day is still finding random glitter bits in his interior…)

(This time, I messed with his buffer)

(I replaced the normal soft pad with 60-grit sandpaper, which is basically like rubbing sharp rocks over an object)

(after that I 'accidently' scratched his paint so he of course went to go fix it)

(this time I didn't wait and see the outcome)

(Although I could hear Knockout from a few halls down)

"WHERE IS SHE!"

(Scrap!)

…**.**

**So, what did you guys think of this one? Making your eyes bleed? So horrible you can't stand it? As you can see, pretty much all suggestions will be put in here, so let me know yours if you have any!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to everyone that was kind enough to fav, follow and review this!**

…**.**

**#26 (credit to Riyappe paws) Do not compare Unicron to a unicorn in front of the Decepticons**

(I could've SWORN that Megatron said 'unicorn')

(then I was extremely confused to why he'd have the blood of unicorns running through him)

(turns out they didn't even know what a unicorn was, so I pulled out my handy-dandy iPod and mindlessly tapped on the first picture of one to come up)

(turns out it was the silhouette of the two unicorns ahem…making more little unicorns)

(Megatron's optic twitched slightly, and I took the opportunity to find the nearest Eradicon to hide behind)

**#27 The 'Song that gets on everybody's nerves' is banned. (credit to moonlightnight1)**

(Okay, the cruel, annoying side of me came out the other day)

(Ratchet had told me countless times to leave him alone, I did the opposite)

(Instead, I started singing(yelling) the 'song that gets on everybody's nerves)

"Oh I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves yes on everybody's nevers, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…"

(you get the point)

(After just the first time, Ratchet's optic was twitching and I strutted off, still shouting my annoying song to any who could hear)

(and I would NOT shut up)

(Finally the doc bot knocked me out)

(from thirty yards away)

(with a wrench)

(Gee thanks Ratch, a medic injuring his patients is totally ethical…)

**#28 (credit to Riyappe paws) Energon is NOT to be mistaken for kool aid, or any other drink…**

(I have the attention span of an ADD rock, so I'm constantly all over the place)

(Especially when I'm with the Decepticons.)

(I noticed a small container, it looked a lot like a drinking glass, and it had some translucent blue liquid in it)

(I was thinking Kool Aid, that someone left within my reach for some odd reason, so I grabbed it and dumped it down my throat right as my appointed 'human sitter' turned around)

(His name is C-Ar1, and they stuck me with an Eradicon that could fly in case I decided I could again)

(anyway, he was waving his hands and lunged for me right as I downed the 'Kool Aid')

(Instantly my throat was on fire and I panicked a few seconds before I blacked out)

(I woke up later in the med-bay with a semi-disgusted Knockout and a worried Breakdown and Carl leaning over me)

(turns out I had drank pure, high-grade energon that was left out in the open to 'age')

(turns out it's HIGHLY toxic to humans…)

(oops)

**#29 Shattered Glass universes are banned**

(I about made EVERYONE glitch with this one)

(basically, shattered Glass is a universe where the bots and cons are all the polar opposites of who they are now.)

(Optimus was a human-hating, hell-bringing titan where Megatron was a kitten-loving tree hugger that wanted to preserve the world)

(I got an optic twitch from both of them and a smashed Ipod for my troubles)

**#30 OCD is looked down upon in the bot's base**

(I have mild to moderate OCD, anything out of order I MUST organize)

(you know those giant bins of assorted candy at Walmart?)

(an hour and I had sorted them by brand, type of candy, and alphabetically)

(Ratchet noticed one day that I was painstakingly organizing all of the kid's games alphabetically and making sure the right discs were in the right cases)

(after that, I moved on to a box of Nerds that had been spilled on the floor, the tri-color assorted kind)

(Ratchet tapped me on the back after I'd been sorting the Nerds by color and size for about ten minutes. When I looked back at him, he drug his hand through the neat lines of Nerds I'd created, effectively ruining my work)

"Aurra…don't you think you're taking your level of perfection to a bit of an unhealthy extreme?"

(I gaped at the mess he'd made before shaking my head and organizing again, replying without looking up,)

"No, why?"

…**.**

**So, how were these? What was your favorite? Suggestions WILL get put in here, so give me yours!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Well… HERE'S MORE!**

…**.**

**#31 (credit to moonlightnight1) Don't dance to "The Bird is the Word"**

(Okay, this was after watching Family Guy…)

(when everyone was in the main hangar, I whipped out my new iPod and declared,)

"FLASH MOB!"

(before I turned on 'The Bird is the word')

(the dance to this includes much spazzy movements, and I finally got to the part in the song where Peter looks like he's having a seizure)

(I did the same, collapsing to the floor)

(Ratchet knelt next to me, concern on his face as he reached for me)

"Primus Aurra are you alright?"

(I waited until the song cued me, then snapped my eyes open and leaped up, continuing the spazzy dance, much to everyone's dismay…

**#32 Don't bring a reality baby to either base…(credit to Riyappe paws)**

(Yes, I go to school, but thankfully this is my last year)

(I decided to take Child Development to fill a gap, and I was looking forward to the reality baby I got to bring home on the weekend.)

(The first time I had it at the bot's base, and it got on everyone's nerves, including mine, but mostly it went off without incident)

(except that it woke me every two hours in the night and I become like a rabid, PMSing bear when I have no sleep.)

(because of how snippy I got, Optimus politely asked that I not bring the baby to the base again)

(So…the next time I had to take care of one, I had ST3V3 pick me up at school and we both 'beamed up' to the Nemesis)

(Well what else was I supposed to do? Mortimer W. Clankity-britches/Thunderbucket was no longer existant?)

(The stupid baby was EVEN WORSE than the last one, and it even woke a few lighter-recharging mechs from their slumber.)

(The next day, I found the reality baby with a giant hole in the center of it where someone had obviously blasted it with a cannon.)

(Needless to say I got a 0 on the assignment, not just an F, a 0)

(Oh, and I got chewed out for 'brutally murdering my child allegory')

**#33 (credit to roxie 2120) Plastic wrap over the doorway is hilarious, no matter who it's being done to.**

(except when it's the leader of the Decepticons… then run like hell, but otherwise…)

(Breakdown actually helped me, and with about a few dozen boxes of clingwrap, we completely covered the doorway)

(Breakdown helped when I couldn't reach)

(I came over the commlink to his quarters and said,)

"Hey Megatron, just thought you might wanna know that my Autobot friends are here to pay you a visit!"

(The door to his quarters slid open instantly and the big grey mech walked right into our trap.)

(The plastic instantly shredded, but it got horribly twisted in his joints and plastered to his face)

(remember when I said Megatron's cannon comes out when he gets surprised?)

(This time was no exception…)

(I had to help fix Breakdown's scorch wounds and sheepishly unwound the plastic from Megatron's frame)

(Then Megzy carried me by the back of my hood to the top of the Nemesis, radioed the Autobots to send me a ground bridge, and promptly threw me over the side)

(Thank God for Ratchet's skills…and mattresses, otherwise I would've been a smear on the ground or the wall in the base)

**#34 Do not imply all Seekers are vain (credit to Riyappe paws)**

(Everyone knows that Screamer's a seeker, he gloats about it all the time)

(And he is ALWAYS preening!)

("Oh, I'm Starscream, look at my pretty wings! Look at my aft! Look at my hooker boots!)

(Uh…I mean heel struts…)

(There was something though I wasn't aware of…)

(Apparently…Soundwave is a Seeker, and not once have I seen him messing with his appearance)

(at least in public)

#**35 (credit to same as above) Don't play paintball with Arcee**

(The femme takes it WAAAYY to seriously)

(I had a paintball gun, and she rigged her cannons to fire paint instead of lasers temporarily)

(We set up a part of the base as the 'arena' and Bee blew the start whistle for us)

(big mistake, again, on my part)

(How was I supposed to know she had reflexes of a cat on crack and could shoot the eye out of a fly at a hundred yards)

(That bitch is MERCILESS too!)

(She gunned me down when I was running for cover and proceeded to empty her entire chamber of paintballs onto poor, helpless me)

(I had a black eye, even with glasses, and countless bruises)

(I also looked like a rainbow barfed on me for days since the paint wouldn't come off)

…

**Woo hoo! More rules done! And if anyone has a better title for this it would be appreciated, for now it's more of a working title. Suggestions still welcome!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Trollolololololololol! Ah, it's so fun to troll with the Cybertronians…**

…**.**

**#36 Do not mess with Wheeljack's explosives, high grade, and Knockout's paint (credit to guest)**

(bad shit will happen…)

(After I'd burnt the snot out of my throat and stomach with the high grade, I knew at least not to drink it)

(no one said anything about being a pyro with it)

(I'd 'borrowed' another of Wheeljack's bombs, armed it, and dropped it into a container of high grade)

(quickly, I found Knockout and presented my 'gift' to him, then turned and strolled out the door)

_BOOM!_

"FRAG YOU AURRA!"

(I ran, but apparently not fast enough… something blindsided me from behind and I hit the floor)

(I was in the med bay again when I woke up…)

(apparently without my right kidney…)

(I only know this because Knockout shook the jar it was in right in front of my face…)

(this was my face: D: )

**#37 Don't give a bot (or con) an extreme makeover while they're recharging**

(I had the perfect victim…)

(C-Ar1 told me that the big buckethead himself sleeps like the dead, and I was going to put that plan to fruition)

(Of course, Knockout had to get involved since it entailed messing with appearances)

(I still didn't trust him though… stupid kidney pirate)

(KO picked the lock on Megzy's quarters, and we set to work with a couple cans of spray paint, glitter glue, and some colored sharpies)

"Oh, he's GORGEOUS!" Knockout said.

( I slid off Megatron's berth and found a nice vantage point for when he woke up)

(EVERYONE couldn't help but snicker at their leader when he walked out, and he responded with anger, grabbing the nearest Eradicon and crushing his helm)

"What in the name of Unicron is so fragging funny!?" Megatron growled.

(Soundwave ruined it)

(He stood in front of megatron and projected his face mask like a mirror)

(In hindsight it probably wasn't a good idea to write, _Aurra and Knockout were here!_...)

**#38 Don't string up ropes between trees to make people trip**

(namely, Bulkhead)

(the plan worked like a charm, well, until he actually tripped)

(He uprooted both the trees, one almost fell on Miko, then he stumbled into some power lines…)

(Wow, Bulk, never knew you could dance like that!)

**#39 Youtube in general is questionable…(credit to StoletheSpider's fic)**

(this time, Screamer was nosing into what I was doing on my laptop)

(Turns out I had a music vid up that was sort of a tribute to him)

(brownie points!)

(he then insisted on watching youtube with me for hours, until a link popped up called "Starscream cookies")

(no Starscream don't…!)

(he got about three quarters of the way through the vid, optics twitching, then stood and aimed a missle at my laptop)

(I just barely saved it…so, no more Youtube for Starscream)

(occasionally though, I'll walk up behind him and yell in as close of an imitation of his voice as I can,)

"LET ME COOK, BITCH!"

(you'd have to watch the vid to truly understand…)

**#40 Don't fake a mental illness**

(I settled on schizophrenia, which thoroughly creeped out Ratchet)

(I sat on the platform in the base, talking to myself quietly in two different voices)

"Should we tell him?"

"_No he mustn_'_t find out about us…_"

(Ratchet came over, raising an optic ridge)

"Aurra, I really don't think talking to yourself is healthy, perhaps you might want to converse with some other people?"

(I whirled on him with a creepy grin, replying in the darkest voice I could muster)

"I'm schizophrenic, I AM OTHER PEOPLE!"

…

**So, how was this one? Let me know, drop me a suggestion, whatevs! Sorry for the bit slower update, I've been really busy.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Bah-weep-gra-na-weep-nini-bog! Hello to all! Here's some more! (sorry if I get any of your names wrong, I'm going from memory)**

…**..**

**#41 don't introduce the bots to fanfiction (credit to roxie2120)**

(well…Raf found out about my sort of journaling of my adventures, and hacked my fanfiction account to see what I was up too)

(within the hour, all the bots were up and reading different fics…)

(*facepalm*)

(The only ones not to glitch were Bee and Arcee, rather, Bee was close to crying from something he'd read that was evidently really close to what happened when he'd got his voice box torn out)

(Arcee was actually snickering at this fic, especially when she saw me recounting when she'd gunned me down with paint)

**#42 Optimus' 'ROLL OUT' is not to be taken literally (credit to transformers freak22)**

(this was just begging to be done…)

(I have no wheels, duh, not even a pair of roller skates, so Optimus shouting 'Roll out!' made me kind of sad)

(until I figured out a way to do just that)

(The next time he said his infamous line and transformed in front of a ground bridge, I called for them to wait and ran down the steps, throwing myself on the ground in front of them)

(Then I proceeded to roll across the floor towards the ground bridge as fast as I could)

(no one followed me, so I stopped and looked at them, still halfway in the ground bridge)

"Hey, aren't you guys coming? He said 'roll out!'"

(I think all their optics would've been twitching had they not been in vehicle mode)

**#43 the 'weird' side of the internet shouldn't be shown to the bots… (credit to Jamie Crane)**

(this one really goes without saying…)

(Bad shit happens when you take the adult content filter off your electronic device and don't clear your site history)

(how was I supposed to know that Bee would get a hold of my iPod?!)

(I'm pretty sure he saw things that no bot)

(Or a human really, for that matter)

(should EVER see…)

**#44 Paranormal crap is banned (credit to moonlightnight)**

(it scares Bumblebee)

(that scout is like the equivalent of a totally innocent child, and he was nearly leaking himself when I got the kids to watch Paranormal activity 3 with me)

(just to be a bit mean, the next time I was in the base alone with him I cut all the lights and ran silently around, randomly knocking stuff over at random times)

(the coup de gras was when I snuck up and bashed my fist against his leg as hard as I could)

(I'm pretty sure he made the equivalent of a scream and jumped away)

(I got my lesson though, even without chastisement from the others…)

(turns out when I scared Bee, it terrified him so much that he DID actually piss himself)

(and I ended up drenched.)

**#45 Don't use Soundwave as a jukebox**

(I wanted to see what would happen!)

(I thought Skrillex would be awesome to be blaring from him, so when he was recharging I snuck up to him and patched my iPod into his audio circuits)

(I was JUST about to hit play when something whipped out, grabbed my ankle, and hurled me across the room)

(I think I must've hit the wall and blacked out, I woke up in the med bay with my arm in a sling…)

(Turns out Soundwave is a REALLY light sleeper, and he reacts violently when he's woken)

(note to self and ANYONE else dumb enough to try it again…)

…**.**

**Whoo…more finished! Sorry this might not have been as good, and updates may be slower from now on, but I will try for AT LEAST once a week. OK? Please review and ideas are welcome!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait, I've been busy, lazy, and on top of that I didn't even have my laptop. So…. Oh, and another apology, my e-mail deleted EVERYTHING, so if I use a reference from you that I just happened to remember, full credit to you!**

…**.**

**#46 Knockout does not approve of pets**

(I can't help that I'm a sucker for animals, and this is what happens when you let me out with a grounder that can't say no)

(Specifically Steve)

(I found this adorable dog on the side of the road, he looked good but had no collar or anything, so I made Steve take him with us.)

(Just to make sure he was okay, I coaxed the dog to the med bay and walked in with him at my side)

"What do you want…" KO said.

(that's when things went bad… he turned around)

(Never thought a fifty pound mutt could make Knockout crawl the walls.)

(Literally)

**#47 Don't put ANYTHING in energon unless approved by a medic**

(hallucinogens, sedatives, sugar…)

(caffine…)

(Yeah…I put straight caffine in some of M1k3's energon…)

(Turns out, it's not bad for them but…)

(Knockout actually needed Megatron's help to pin the Eradicon down, he was so fast.)

(he probably could've threaded a running sewing machine, no joke!)

(then again…Knockout told me M1k3 started freaking because he was literally seeing noises)

**#48 Do not assume aluminum foil 'armor' will distort your life signal**

(fun at the bot's base this time)

(Miko insisted hide and seek, but I knew Bee could at least find us with his scanners, so I had an idea)

(you know how some crazy people-)

(shut up, by the way)

(-put tinfoil on their heads to block radiation or whatever?)

(Yeah, I made full body fragging armor!)

(granted, it chafed like a mofu, but I found a hiding spot and just KNEW Bee couldn't find me)

(That is, until he grabbed me by the foot and pulled me up into the air)

(he wouldn't put me down until Miko snapped countless blackmail photos)

(I think it was payback for making him pee himself…)

**#49 The bots don't understand biblical references**

(I.E. the ability to walk on water)

(Jesus was a ninja! It's an indisputable fact!)

(well…not according to Ratchet, who went all sciencey on me and went into the chemical properties of water, and we aren't built to get across it and yadda yadda yadda…)

(I found the story in the bible…)

(and promptly threw it in Ratchet's face)

(gives whole new meaning to the phrase 'bible thumper!')

**#50 Again, messing with Megzy while he's recharging is a bad idea**

(some mechs need their beauty sleep)

(Especially Lord Megatron)

(but it's not my fault he sleeps like the dead!)

(In the spirit of spring, I got a giant bucket of lime green paint, a bit of hot pink, and a butt-ton of flower stickers)

(I had to help him scrub the paint and flowers off…)

(nothing is more awkward than having the dark lord himself staring at you while you sheepishly peel stickers off his face)

…

**I understand this one prolly wasn't as good, but I'm now back in business and open for any suggestions! Hope you review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey all! Sorry for being late to update, things have been busy here and I kinda lost inspiration, Thanks to Riyappe Paws for the help back on my feet and for the rules in this chapter!**

…

**#51 Do not allow the bots to see 'Shattered Glass' versions of themselves.**

(this is basically like the polar opposite of who a bot is, for those who don't know.)

(As in, Optimus is a narcissistic, deceitful character while Megatron is a kitten-loving, tree-hugging softie)

(Oh, and KO is a slobby, homophobic, though very good at being a medic)

(etcetera etcetera…)

(Let's just say after this got circulating… Megatron introduced me to an image of what I would look like in shattered glass)

(I.E., Me impaled on multiple shards of glass and bleeding out on the floor)

**#52 Cardboard 'wings' do not grant you the ability to fly**

(my 'I believe I can fly' attempt ended badly… I admit)

(but this time, I had a secret weapon!)

(Cardboard wings! )

(I got my Decepticon 'babysitter,' as Megatron called him, to take me to the top of the Nemesis again)

(This time I didn't have an epic shout, but took a running start off the edge and started flapping my 'wings' as hard as I could)

(My Eradicon guardian caught me in his alt mode before I could fall more than a few seconds…)

(Dammit C r1! I had it that time and you know it!)

**#53 I really need to stop trying to fly**

(Megatron had banned me from going to the deck of the Nemesis, so I found the next best strategy)

(Helium balloons and the edge of the mesa that made up the Autobot base!)

(In hindsight…ten balloons _probably_ wasn't going to get me much lift…)

(My battle cry this time ?)

"DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'!"

(I don't actually remember much after that…)

(other than the feeling of my body smashing into metal about halfway down…)

(and then me waking up in the medbay…then it goes dark for a while.)

(Oh, wait, I take that back)

(I remember Ratchet smashing me in the head with a wrench and calling me 'the most messed up and stupid human he'd ever had the mispleasure to meet.)

**#54 No creepypastas are to be shown to Bumblebee**

('member how I said he scares easily?)

(He's now afraid to come near me when I say "Hey Bee, check this out!" but is gullible enough to do it every time)

(this week's prank was showing him the MLP creepy pasta "Cupcakes")

(Just…just go look it up and you'll understand why Bee ran away and wouldn't come out of his quarters for a long, long time.)

***I warn you, the youtube is pretty graphic XD**

**#55 Optimus does NOT like zombies**

(My movie suggestion was Zombieland, it's actually more funny than scary)

(five minutes into it, when the first zombie groaned onto the screen, I nearly got scared shitless when the T.V. exploded)

(Recovering from my heart attack, I turned around to see Optimus with his blaster leveled at the T.V. and smoking)

"What the heck Optimus!? Why did you…"

(I started ranting, but he lowered his gun and walked away deeper into the base)

(I looked at Bulkhead for explanation and he just shrugged sheepishly)

"He uh…had a REALLY bad experience with a Halloween prank."

(Bad idea to tell me that Bulk…)

(Now I have ideas…)

**...**

**Sorry if these aren't as funny, like I said, I'm trying to get my muse back and suggestions are needed! OH IMPORTANT! I'm unsure when this will be updated again, I am getting my wisdom teeth cut out in two days and depending on how crappy I feel I might just ignore this for a while… so yea… :D**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey all, sorry for the really long wait, 'twas a busy time for me… I'm gonna finish the requests I have backed up, and then I have a bit of a special chapter in mind, but until then suggestions are still welcome!**

…

**#56 Don't use your newfound knowledge of Optimus' zombie-dislike/hate**

(Okay, after the Zombieland movie incident gone wrong, the wheels were definitely turning for me)

(Everyone still refused to tell me what exactly had happened, but all I knew was that the big guy reacted, violently, to zombies of any sort)

(So…)

(with a little dark eyeshadow, red acrylic paint, and some scissors, It's amazing the affects you can achieve!)

(I found a stowaway place that Oppy usually walks under all the time, and after a false alarm by Bulkhead walking below,)

(I made my attack…)

(With a zombie-like groan, I let myself fall from the ceiling and land right next to Optimus' face)

(Where I then proceeded to try and gnaw on the side of his helm and moaned, "Braaaaaaainnsss")

(Bad things happened then…)

(Number one, Oppy freaked. He slammed down his face guard and jumped so hard he hit the ceiling, which in turn bashed my face against his hard enough I split my lip…)

(Number two, my foot got stuck in between two cables in his neck and I barely had time to duck when Optimus' blade came within inches of taking off my head. Even so, my hair is a few inches shorter on one side…)

(Ratch finally calmed Optimus down, and got me untangled to boot, but I suppose I did my damage)

(I ended up with a busted face and a broken ankle, Optimus with a near panic attack and a dented helm)

(Surprisingly, Neither Ratchet nor Optimus chewed me out, then again…Ratchet was the gentlest when he set my ankle…come to think of it he didn't use a painkiller either)

(either way, that's one thing I'll never do again)

**#57 Do NOT ask for robot sex-ed**

(because the medics, WILL answer you)

(and believe me, you do NOT want this to be explained with a medic's detail)

(or in Knockout's case, experience…)

**#58 In light of #57, ESPECIALLY don't ask Knockout**

(his demonstration used diagrams)

(detailed ones)

(with color)

(and animation)

(*shudders*)

(after that he asked if I wanted a demonstration)

(I proceeded to stroll out, bridge to the Autobot base, and blast the most mind-numbing music I could find into my ears)

**#59 Do (not) exploit Miko's deepest fear**

(yep, the punk rock chick is mortified of spiders)

(apparently in Japan, there was some weird anime she watched as a kid that had some effed up view of arachnids, and now she won't go within forty yards of one if she can avoid it)

(soo….I decided to get her back for annoying the snot out of me)

(Went to Jasper's only pet store, and there, I bought a giant tarantula)

(A non-poisonous, de-fanged one, mind you, but I'm okay with the furry little guy)

(After that, I picked up said tarantula at the base and walked behind Miko, depositing said arachnid on her shoulder while she was listening to music, tapping that shoulder and….)

"AAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!"

(Miko screeched first in surprise, then terror, then panic, swatting furiously to get the fuzzy spider off of her)

(I, on the other hand, was laughing way to hard to notice when she got it off of her and onto the floor, where my ten dollar pet then met his end with the heel of Miko's shoe)

**#60 Knockout holds a similar fear of the undead**

(only, his is more…vocal)

(I'll just say it involved some dark energon, Arcee's old dissected partner Tailgate, and much running and screaming as each part of Tailgate's anatomy chased the medic all over Kaon)

…

**So, how were these? All credit goes to Riyappe Paws, except for 59 which I came up with. Still hoping for suggestions!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Oh, wow you guys i'm SO sorry it took this long to update. I just kinda let this die for a while, as much as I hated to do it, but it's been nagging me for a while so I went back and scrounged through my (very) old e-mails to find the requests I'd need for the chapter. So, credit for the rules goes to (in this order) DuskMoon15, verner2, Riyappe Paws, roxie2120, and Avespa Strife. Thank you all and enjoy! Drop a review of further suggestions! (these may not be as good since I need to get back in my groove XD, my apologies)**

…

**#61 Don't suggest a cross-faction prank war**

(it will happen)

(and believe me, it WILL be ugly.)

(after just two days, an unfortunate Vehicon named 3R-1C ended up being knocked out by a stray bowling ball)

(Smokescreen's idea, I swear. I TOLD him to aim at the chest plate or below...)

(just... imagine the equivalent of a bot-sized slingshot with bowling balls for ammo, that also happen to be filled with paint. Poor Steve got an eyeful when he saw his comrade sprawled on the ground with blue paint dripping down the sides of his helm. Apparently Steve didn't realize it was just bright blue paint and not energon, he flipped out and said we needed to call Knockout)

(Optimus finally called the thing off and I got Megatron to agree to the same, though it wasn't very difficult after what happened to him)

(the last straw kinda came when Bee launched a ball and it hit Megzy)

(square in the aft)

(I can still see the bits of hot pink paint stuck to his backside)

**#62 Definitely get Dreadwing in on your flying schemes**

(I still haven't given up my attempts to fly, I know I can do it! I just haven't believed hard enough!)

(or found a willing helper...)

(Dreadwing had been oddly gone for all of my flying attempts, so one day a light bulb went off in my head and I ran to his quarters, stopping outside and working up some crocodile tears as I wiped all happiness off my face.)

(I walked into his room with my head down, I had even included my failed prototype cardboard wings on my arms to make myself look more pathetic)

"What's wrong with you, human?" Dreadwing said to me, cleaning his cannon

(I sniffed dramatically, raising my winged arms)

"All I want to do is fly, and no one thinks I can..." I said.

(he, surprisingly, was sporting about this and got up off his berth where he'd been sitting, and he scooped me up in one hand)

"Well you certainly won't get off the ground with those things. I have a better idea..."

(twenty minutes later after sneaking a flight harness and several straps, as well as some duct tape for good measure, I was strapped and duct taped to the top side of Dreadwing's alt mode)

(he took off from the Nemesis, me stuck on him like a wad of old gum, and pulled into a dive so steep I was looking straight down at the ground)

(I can't even begin to describe how exhilarating that was!)

(when we circled around and he picked up speed,)

(I raised my arms up with my fists closed, screaming as we went by the Nemesis, much to the surprise and amusement of the few Vehicons working the upper deck)

"I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!"

**#63 Bee makes a weird noise when he thinks something is cute**

(I'm not kidding)

(You know how we're like "aww" when something's adorable?)

(same principle, WEIRD noise)

(I was looking at some random crap with Miko on my laptop, puppies and kittens, baby animals, stuff like that. Bee was so happy I wasn't watching something like the Texas chainsaw Massacre that he came over and was looking over my shoulder at the pictures)

(I started to notice kind of a low purring sound, sort of like a happy guinea pig, but quieter. It went away so I pretty much ignored it, but when it happened again, after I'd clicked on a picture of an adorable miniature horse foal, the noise was so strange that I realized it was Bee)

(I can't even...)

(Think of like... Chewbacca mixed with a purring cat and throw in Bee's already electronic voice.)

(That's a pretty diminished approximation)

**#64 Alarm clocks are banned**

(from both bases)

(I'm thankfully out of school, but I like to get up early so I used to set an alarm. Problem is, I'm a really heavy sleeper most of the time)

(Like, I-could-be-dead-but-I'm-breathing type of sleep)

(I would hear my alarm all right, but I chose to ignore it)

(I was told sometimes it rang for a good half hour before someone either turned it off or dumped me out of bed to turn it off myself)

(That latter one was Ratchet, actually)

(I huffed that I should be able to sleep like however I wanted, though Ratchet insisted I had a problem, so I hung out with the cons for a while.)

(The next night I slept and had my alarm on, and when morning came, I again ignored the very loud tone)

_**MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH**_

(totally tuned it out and went back to sleep, but later I sort of half-heard Starscream complaining as he came down the hall)

"What in Primus is making that NOISE?"

(I didn't really pay attention when the door to my room slammed open, but I sure as hell was awake after what Screamer did next)

(All of a sudden my nightstand exploded next to my bed, my alarm clock with it, and I screamed in fear at being suddenly woken, not to mention having a missile come within a few inches of my side. Starscream just smirked at me as I was staring at my charred nightstand)

"Good morning, Aurra."

**#65 Wisdom teeth removal is NOT fun**

(The bots actually were the ones that made me regularly get medical and dental checkups... not that I wanted to listen)

(Ratchet threatened to give me an exam himself if I didn't go, so I finally caved)

(So, the other day at the dentist's, I was told that I needed ALL FOUR of my wisdom teeth removed, two of which were sideways and the top two had roots so long they were in my sinuses.)

(Let me just pause for a second to say that I have a near phobia of a hospital/medical setting, so the idea of mouth surgery was really terrifying.)

(I was surprised when Ratch showed a sort of sympathetic side and offered to do it himself with the help of Jack's mother)

(Which, yeah, sounds like a worse deal than the oral surgeon but I'd MUCH rather be unconscious with people I actually trust.)

(So... three days later I was in the med-bay, still scared out of my mind, but on a reclining table with Jack's mom sterilizing a spot on my arm for an IV.)

(I'm also terrified of needles.)

(So... Ratchet had to hold me down so I didn't involuntarily squirm away or jerk my arm while June put in the needle. After a few minutes though, she said she was having trouble finding a vein and thumped the inside of my elbow once more before I felt a sharp pinch and I would've probably torn the needle out had Ratchet not been pinning me.)

(She MISSED.)

(June ended up having to back the needle out and try on my other arm, this time she was successful, but I actually couldn't stop the whimper from leaving my throat)

(I was damn scared, okay? I admit it. My heart monitor showed it too...)

(After that June pulled a surgical mask on and said she was injecting the anesthetic into my line. I felt no different after a minute, so she shot more into my IV and the last thing I remember is the ceiling sort of going in two directions.)

(Next thing I know, I'm twitching on a cot with my face stuffed full of gauze)

(Apparently I had a slight reaction to the sedative and I couldn't stop shaking, but Ratchet told me it was just my nerves waking up before my brain did)

(After that, Ratchet lifted me up to the platform and laid me on the couch in front of the TV, where the kids came to see me in my still-drugged misery)

(Miko had a chocolate shake for me, and June gave me a bottle of painkillers with the instruction to follow the directions on the side and make sure I ate before taking it.)

(I was going to eat said milkshake...and I now regret it)

(I wasn't really loopy by this point, but as I tried to feed myself with a spoon)

(you aren't supposed to use a straw, it can pull out the blood clots in your gum holes)

(I realized the ENTIRE bottom half of my face was numb, including both cheeks, my tongue, and especially my lower lip, which pretty much just felt like a piece of rubber attached to my face at this point.)

(I also didn't see Miko recording me as I hopelessly spilled milkshake all over my shirt and couldn't help when it ran out of my mouth. Jack and Miko snickered...but my little buddy Raf crawled onto the couch with me to make me feel better.)

(I thought it was sweet)

(Until the other two started just laughing at me trying to pathetically eat my shake, I tried to tell them to shut up...but it sounded more like:)

"Thuh ump!"

(let's just say after five days of Vicodin, severe pain, and facial swelling bad enough I looked like a puffer fish... I was more than ready to hang out with the cons for a while...)

…

**I hope you guys like this! I'm planning on getting back into doing this regularly for a while, so let me know some suggestions! Aurrawings out!**


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